Well, as much as I think Los Angeles and California SUCK, there are some close seconds ... after having just come back from a 4 week vacation that included a "tour" of a fair hunk of the U.S.A.
Some of these places I'd been to before, and others were new to me. Some I'd been to a long time ago and didn't remember much, but now ... I have a fresh perspective. My travels brought me through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, Washington, Canada, Oregon, Utah, and Nevada. So with that being said, lets go on a little journey of "Other places and things that SUCK".


There is absolutely NO reason for this place to even exist. I'm convinced that God's RV dump plops directly into Oklahoma. In fact I'll bet that all the RV dumps and sewers from all over the U.S. dump onto Oklahoma and nobody there even notices. No wonder Timothy McVee tried to blow the place up. He was trying to do the rest of the country a favor.
Lemme' tell ya a little about this RV dump. Coming from the west on I-40 one of the first things we see after crossing the border is this ...

That should have told me something right there and then. What's with this place? Their prisons are so fucked up that they can't keep the prisoners in? They need to tell you this as soon as you enter the state? Sheeeesh!!

We stayed at a KOA in Elk City. Now when we first pulled in, I heard this noise ... it sounded like a lawn mower going, so I thought "Oh well ... somebody just cutting the grass". We were assigned a site and as I was filling out the paperwork my wife and kids walked over to the site. So as I was driving around the loop to our campsite this buzzing noise got louder and as I looked around there was nobody mowing anything. I pulled into the site and my wife was standing there with wide eyes. She ran up to the van and said "Oh my God! There are these giant bugs ... everywhere!"
It turns out that the trees were filled with this kind of locus called Kadids. These are these kinds of bugs that look like giant mutated fleas about the size of your thumb. Oh shit, they looked like something out of the X-Files, and I was expecting them to drop out of the trees, attach themselves to my head and start sucking my brains out. And they were LOUD and they were EVERYWHERE.

After have having spent the night with it sounding like chainsaws outside the window, we trekked forward. Somewhere between there and Oklahoma City was this place that was advertised as 'The largest cross in the Western Hemisphere' and as we went by.... Yup it was one hellava' big-assed cross aright. Musta' been about 3 or 4 hundred feet high. What I found amusing were all the people who actually stopped to gawk at it. All these geeks were standing there slack-jawed staring up at this thing. The ones who weren't slack-jawed were taking pictures of the thing. I couldn't believe it ... these idiots were standing in front of this man-made hunk or concrete in AWE, like it was a giant redwood or something. Takes an Oklahoman I guess.

All the women in that state look like buffalo. I'm not kidding! I never saw a bigger collection of women with butts the size of the grill on a 57' Buick and hair to match. There must be some law in that state that states that the bigger your butt is the bigger your hair must be. Now I'm not one to pick on someone (especially women) because they don't look like a Barbie or Ken doll... But this place was unbelievable! Even the little kids had giant butts and big hair! Must be all the McDonalds over there...

Oklahoma women ALL look like this

Speaking of which...

I never... NEVER... saw a place that had more McDonalds in my life! I swear you couldn't drive more than 5 miles in any direction with out there being a McDonalds somewhere! This state, for whatever reason, is absolutely infatuated with (ugh!) McDonalds. In fact there is a place on the Interstate 44 right next to the Oklahoma/Missouri border that just floored me. You know how when you drive into a new state there is usually some sort of state government run 'tourist info' building there? Well on that highway, the tourist info building is sponsored by... (Guess who) McDonalds! And this isn't just any ol' building... this particular building has the 'Golden Arches' stretching over the freekin' freeway! I couldn't believe it! My wife and I started laughing so hard we had to pull over to the side of the road!

And speaking of highways ... and Interstate 44 ... Oklahoma was the only state I went through that has state sponsored highway robbery. They had these "turnpikes" (another word for "We're gonna fuck you good for the priviledge of driving down this road") between Oklahoma City and the Missouri border that are nothing less than the state holding a gun to your head with their hand out. Now ... I've been on toll roads (whatever you want to call them) before, and it's usually been something like 50 cents ... 75 cents ... no big deal. But THIS road. Ohhhhh, nonononononooooooo.
First off, you get on this thing and you soon realize ... there is NO WAY OFF for MILES. If you needed gas, tough shit pal. So you get on this thing but... the entire length of the road is not a toll. Only parts of it. This way, they can charge you MORE for being on the same damn highway! The first toll booth you come to is before you get into Tulsa. I pull up to it expecting to pay a buck, and the toll booth freak with the gigantic ass and the hair that barely fits in the booth, asks for $4.75. $4.75!!! I look at her and say "WHAT?!?!" She tells me, it's because I'm driving a truck (van, really) and pulling a trailer. What a fucking ripp-off! So, I pay her and drive off thinking that's it.
OOOOhhhhh, nonononononoooooo ....
I go through Tulsa (ugly, ugly, UGLY) and next thing I know .... another turnpike! Oh shit, here we go again. So about 20 miles from the state line, another booth with a buffalo girl in it, and ANOTHER $4.75!! I briefly thought about just taking off and making a run for the border, but then I though I didn't want to end up on "COPS" for a stinkin' $4.75. So I paid and bitched, pissed, and moaned.
You'd THINK with all the $$$ the state was raking in just on that one highway, that they'd be able to do something ... ANYTHING ... to improve the place. But nope... Oklahoma is just a big pile of shit with a handle attached to it.


Now, to be fair, I can't speak of all of Texas... but if the "pan-handle" is anything like the rest of Texas, then there is absolutely
NO need for that state to exist either. Another freekin' dump.
The only reason I picked Oklahoma even higher on the "Suck-O-Meter" is because they actually have things there that make it suck. Texas (or at least the panhandle) has nothing there except for steers and toothless morons. Man, you talk about a place full of nothing but nothing, and populated by some of the stupidest people I've ever met... this is the place.
We stopped at some Texaco station to fill up, (I'll give the place this much... at least the gas is cheap) and the girl behind the counter was such a retard I had to help her make the change. Inside (Gas stations there are usually like a gas station, fast food resturant, 7-11, and gift shop all rolled into one) there was the usual group of Gomers eating fried chicken with big hunks of greasy chicken skin flapping around from the corners of their semi-toothless mouths. As my wife was picking out some comic books for the kids to read while we drove, I could see these dirt farmers (or whatever the hell they were) leering at her and probably thinking "Hey Billy-Joe-Bob! Look at the purrrrrrrrr-ty yeller-harred girl! She sure do have purrrrrr-ty har! Ha-yuk! Ha-yuk!".
Outside were the other Goobers with the week old beards wearing dirty 'Mack Trucks' caps sideways. Not doing anything except sitting in the sun and staring at the oil-soaked dirt and scratching their butt cracks that stuck up above the backs of their Levi's. Ever see the move "Thelma and Louise"? Remember the greasy disgusting truck driver that was hassling them? That's who these guys reminded me of. Ugh! What a shithole.

Typical Texan

50 Things You'll NEVER Hear a Texan Say ...

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex!"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You cain't feed that to the dawg."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pickup ... it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to the NAACP?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, the lawn needs watering."
14. "I jus' don't understand the appeal of NASCAR,"
15. "Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than Stucky's coffee."
21. "The tires on that truck are too dern big."
22. "I'll have the salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Yeah .... I graduated High School."
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I done got two cases of Non-Alcoholic beer for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old and fat to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Oh, is my butt-crack showing?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Tobassco sauce? Never touch the stuff."
33. "I believe you cooked those vegtables too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate."
37. "Them Cowboys ain't got a chance in hell this year."
38. "Whaddya mean?! I showered this morning!"
39. "Ain't got no C.B. radio in mah truck."
40. "Awwwwww ... there's lots places nicer n' Texas."
41. "Damn! This here chicken is TOO dern greasey!"
42. "You think I need a haircut?"
43. "Nope .... "Cops" ain't never filmed around here."
44. "Ehhhhhh .... Tom Landry .... he weren't so much!"
45. "Damn darlin'! Puttin' on a little weight ain'tcha?"
46. "My house has foundations, NOT axels!"
47. "Whaddya' mean 'BUY' whiskey?"
48. "Naw .... I don't drive truck fer a livin'."
49. "That part of a steer ain't worth eatin'!"
50. "Hon ..... invite them negros from accross the street over fer dinner tonight."

Thanks Meg!

The U.S. / Canada Border

Now before I get all the Canadians pissed off at me, I am not saying all of Canada sucks (Although I'm sure there are parts of it that do... and I just don't know about it), but I'll tell you what... Going through the U.S. - Canadian border crossing was the most irritating thing I've gone through in a LONG time, and I swear that I'll never go up there again!

Let me set the stage here.

We were staying with my wife's in-laws up near Newport, Washington. The Canadian border is only about 50-60 miles away so we thought "Hey! Let's go up to Canada... spend the day ... have lunch... have a nice day!" Well, it started out nice enough...

When we got to the border things changed drastically. When we got to the border, a little dyke-looking 20-something snippet of a girl came out. She marched out like a broomstick was shoved all the way up her ass to her brain stem. "Oh well" I thought... "A big fish in a little pond".
I was expecting a conversation somewhere along the following:

ME: Hiya!
HER: Oh, hey dere! How's it going, eh?
ME: Oh just fine and dandy!
HER: So, where you headed to, eh? On holiday, eh?
ME: Yeah, we're here visiting family, and thought we'd come up for lunch and hang out for awhile.
HER: Ohhhhh sure, you betcha! It's a beautiful day for it, eh?
ME: Oh yes, very nice!
HER: Oh say dere ... you don't have any guns or contraband or anything like dat, do you?
ME: No, nothing like that! We're just here to spend a lovely day!
HER: Okee dokee! You have a good time on holiday now, eh?

That's what I thought it'd be like. I mean the Canadians and us... were supposed to be buddies, right? This... is what I got instead: (Keep in mind, I'm in a "Family Van" with my wife and two kids...)

ME: Hiya!
HER: Sir, would you take off the sunglasses please?
ME: Yeah, sure... (????)
HER: What is your purpose for coming into Canada?
ME: Well, we're here visiting, and thought we'd spend the day up here.
HER: And where are you coming from?
ME: Usk, Washington.
HER: No, Where IS IT you live, sir?
ME: We live near Los Angeles. That's in California.
HER: And why are you here?!
ME: I told you we're visiting my wife's family.
HER: Do you have any alcohol in the vehicle, sir?!
ME: No.
HER: Do you have any tobacco products?!
ME: No.
HER: Do you have any firearms or weapons?!
ME: No.

(Now that should have covered it right about then and there, don't you think?)

HER: Do you have any pistols or handguns?!
ME: No.
HER: Do you have any rifles or shotguns?!
ME: No.
HER: Do you have any knives, bows and arrows, or explosives?!!
ME: No.

(I started to laugh here because of the stupid questioning ... I mean she already asked if I had any firearms or weapons, right? I think she started to get pissed off I was laughing...)

HER: Sir, would you and all the passengers please step out of the van, and remain standing in front of the van?!!

So we get out of the van. At this point I'm starting to get pissed off. I mean fuck, here we are, MY FAMILY AND I, just wanting to spend a few hours in Canada and here we are being treated like Jews in Nazi Germany!! So the Border Bitch calls her geezer buddy out, and they start to turn my van inside out. I was expecting the DRUG DOG to come out any second! Those fucking assholes tore my van completely inside out and of course didn't put anything back! Little shit-fucks, it would probably cost them 5 years of their measly little salary to even buy a van like that, and here they were tearing it apart and throwing things about like they owned the motherfucker. Fucking assholes.

Then I heard the 'squeak' of the ice chest. Oh shit ... I forgot the ice chest was back there.... And it was full of (MY GOD!!!!).... Cold beer!! The "Littlest Nazi" marched back up and got in my face.

HER: SIR!! I thought you told me you had NO ALCOHOL in your vehicle!!!
ME: Oh, sorry... I thought we left that back in Usk... SORRY!

At this point I'm about ready to grab both of them and throw them out on the pavement and scream "Fuck YOU!! I don't NEED this shit, I'll turn the fucking van around and go back! Get the FUCK OUT OF MY VAN!!!!"

But all of a sudden the dyke-wench softened up and said:

HER: In the future sir, please inform us if you are bringing any alcoholic beverages into Canada. You and your family may now enter the vehicle and continue. Have a pleasant stay."
ME: Teresa... kids... get in and let's go before Nazi-Bitch decides to strip-search us!
HER: (She wasn't too happy with that comment... at least by the look on her face.)

I looked at my wife and said,"OK... I'm here now, but don't EVER ask me to come up here again... "

We go into this little town called Nelson. Now that place didn't suck, it was actually kind of cool, really. BUT... it WAS kind of weird. First of all, it was like being in San Francisco in 1969. It was full of these weirdo longhair freaks. Just wondering around being weird. We wanted to get lunch, and there was almost no place normal to get lunch. We looked at this placed called "Cosmic Garlic" (I think) and they had things on the menu like (And I'm NOT kidding!!) "Onion, Garlic, and Yam Burgers". Yeah right. What the fuck was THAT supposed to be? WAY too many weirdo 'health-food' places there.
We finally found a 'deli' (Although they wouldn't know what a 'deli' was if it bit them in the ass) that had normal looking food. I had a Rueben, and my oldest son had a turkey sandwich.... Which included carrots... (?????) My youngest son had a peanut butter and honey sandwich (Jelly?? What's THAT???) And my wife had a chicken sandwich that came with slices of cucumber in it. Too weird. And all of these sandwiches came on bread that still had big hunks of tree bark in it. Oh well.

So coming back I figured I was going to have to go through the same kind of crap I went through coming in. Nope. The guy at the U.S. Customs booth was totally cool. Asked us a few questions, if we had anything to declare, talked with me a minute or two about California, and said "Take it easy... see ya later!" Hmmmmm......

P.S. - My father-in-law has just informed me that the U.S./Nazi Germany border guards have been instructed to search ALL "California" vehicles. They're looking for (get this) Hippies from California smuggeling in BEER!!
What a bunch of DOPES these people are....


If ever there was a creature that God foisted upon the rest of us to cause pure misery, it is the truck driver. If ever there was a creature that is dumber than a fucking rock, has total disregard for all those around him/her, is a menace on the roadway, and causes way more than their share of death and accidents... it's a truck driver. Truck drivers are the most loathsome, stupid, pieces of dogshit that ever crawled across the face of God's gray earth.
After having shared the roadway with truck morons for the past 27 years, and especially after my last vacation, which took me 6,200 miles around the USA, I have come to dislike... no, hate.... truck droolers with a vengeance. These are things I have noticed about these knuckle-draggers.

Truck Driver

1) There is not a SINGLE truck doofus that obeys the speed limit. NOT ONE. Whatever highway you're on you'll notice that they are always going 5-10 mph over the speed limit. You'll also notice that (for example) that if the speed limit sign says 70... there is usually a smaller sign below that says 'TRUCKS 55'. Have you ever seen a truck doing just 55? Hell NO! If the speed limit is 70, the idiot truck dorks are usually doing 75-80. Do you ever see a truck pulled over for speeding? Hell NO! It's usually some guy in his Honda that was doing 3 mph over the speed limit, while the trucks are flying by.
So why should this bother you or me? Well, while your minding your own business doing the speed limit, here comes some drooling asshole truck dork barreling up on you and then starts blasting his fucking horn for you to get out of the way! Assholes.

2) There is this stupid game these cretins play... I don't know what it's called, but I know they do. You've probably had it happen to you hundreds of times. Here's how it goes. Two trucks are going down the highway, one in front of the other in the right hand lane. They come to a slight upgrade (but it doesn't have to be an upgrade... it could be flat) to which they start to slow way down because they're so big and heavy. Now you in your car, can go very easily up this upgrade, no problem. Now the two trucks have slowed way down, and the truck in front is going 1/2 mph slower than the truck behind it. Does the truck in back just slow down a little more? Of course not! What he/she does is pull out in front of you, (usually waiting until the last second so you have to slam on your brakes and almost get in an accident) and then attempt to pass the other truck. Now you're blocked and have to wait for the truck to pass the other one, which usually takes about a fucking half and hour. Does the pinheaded truck geek care? No... He's got himself a 2nd grade education and is either to fucking stupid to even realize what is going on around him or is playing the game. These highly educated dolts get a BIG kick out of this game. They're very easily amused.

3) Ever listen to a C.B. radio? This is the truck doofus's main means of communication with the other truck dickheads. Every truck dork I've ever heard on a CB sounds like they are some toothless, smelly, hillbilly, fat, redneck from the deep south with an IQ to match their shoe size and even less education to match. I don't know why this is, unless its because they are toothless, smelly, hillbilly, fat, rednecks from the deep south with an IQ to match their shoe size with even less education to match. I suppose this is to be expected, because after all ... how much brains does it take to drive a truck?? All this must lead up to....

4) All truck drivers act like they are the ONLY ones on the road, and it is YOUR job to watch out for THEM. I suppose this is because of the complete lack of consideration, which usually goes hand in hand with no education and being a drooling moron. Truck assholes will pull in front of you, cut you off, attempt to kill you, with nary a thought about it. They won't use their turn signals (unless it is for another truck butt-crack), couldn't give a flying fuck HOW many people are trapped behind them while they are creeping up a hill (or anywhere else for that matter), and after they have almost run you off the road which would have probably killed you and your family, because they started to change lanes without even thinking of looking... they act as if YOU did something wrong!

In short, all truck drivers ought to have their heads shoved in a dirty toilet and then have their asses kicked for about 12 days straight.
The only thing worse than a truck drooler... is one from Oklahoma or Texas....


Here is a color graphic of my rating of different states/places I've been in recently. Factors such as job availability, entertainment, big-city stuff, wealth of the state .... have nothing to do with this.
Things that I would consider enhancements to a place being "liveable" such as cleanliness, nice friendly people, no idiots or scumbags, and a sense of feeling like this is the way a person ought to live ... have everything to do with this.

RED = "This place SUCKS beyond comprehension!! Avoid at all costs!!"
ORANGE = "Not so great ... nice place to visit, but sure wouldn't want to live there."
YELLOW = "Average. Could take it or leave it."
BLUE = "Pretty damn cool! I could absolutely deal with this place."
GREEN = "Excellent!! This place fucking ROCKS!!"