SO YOU THINK THE GRASS IS GREENER?

Well you need to go & slap whoever told you that upside his head cause I got news for ya pal. IT AIN'T! In fact there isn't a friggin' blade of grass to be found in 98% of this miserable, sweltering, skin cancer causing,dehydrated hunk of limestone encrusted dirt! We got one season here. HOT!!!! In what is supposed to pass for winter, it's hot! In the summer it's hotter! And there's no such thing as spring and fall.
And EVERY day, seven days a week at any given time of the day or night you can slosh in your own sweat over to the television, (OK so you're soaking your favorite recliner and playing five finger Rosie with the remote) turn it on and tune in to the weather and hear some ignorant, dumb-ass, geek of a weather man (important glamorized term -meteorologist) from March through November telling you how it's going to really warm up nicely today!
It's a hundred and twenty friggin degrees outside at 6:00 am, because the suns been up bright eyed and bushy tailed since 4:00 and you know it's going to hit 140 before the damned thing sets again at about 9:00 PM.
But we do have beautiful, fluorescent sunrises and sunsets thanks to all you assholes from California who decided to put on your own little mass exodus show so you could come over here and pack us in like sardines in a concrete can.
Yes, thank you so much for bringing us one of those nice, thick brown clouds to hang over our little valley so we could keep up with the Jones's. I can't tell you what a treat it is to watch that lovely, nuclear orange ball of fire as it comes creeping over the Superstitions every morning to envelop the Valley of the Sun in all its neon glory. And the sunsets! Oh they're just to die for! Instead of spending our evenings winding down from eight hours of fighting off a heat stroke, out on the porch in the shade of a couple of toothpicks with some dry stringy leaves that some idiot calls trees, watching the western sky as it becomes streaked with the nice pale pinkish gold and soothing salmon colors of the sunset while it makes its sleepy way over the White Tanks, we now get to don Hazmat glasses and watch a total transformation as the sun descends into that nice brown cloud you were so kind to send us, then changes to this fiery whore house red, bruise purple, and sickly greenish yellow glow. Yup we just love that.
And all those nice earthy, pungent agricultural scents we used to have, well we got rid of all that nonsense and replaced it with all the wonderful fragrances of motor oil, burning rubber, exhaust fumes and dry burning radiators so you could imagine yourselves right back at home in Moms kitchen. Oooooh and you would be so pleased with all two of our freeways. I'm tellin ya these brilliant city planners of ours must have just envisioned y'all flocking here cause they made sure we would have to deal with a constant stream of stagnant, halted rush hour traffic all day long. They even print a daily list of the top twenty five roads that have been under construction for the last fifteen years -gotta keep those illegal aliens working- so you can map out your way to work because we know how you all love to drive 300 miles round trip every day.

You know how around the end of August y'all start getting ready for school to start? The beaches close for the summer cleanup crews, the leaves start to float down from the trees and things start to cool off a little as fall breezes in to make you look forward to snuggling up to that special crack ho'. Thick sweaters & warm fuzzy blankets are brought out as you gear up for the coming cold weather. Well forget it!!! In Arizona you still got 3 months of sweating to go through although it does cool down to a tolerable 115 degrees.

IT'S A DRY HEAT? YEAH RIGHT!
The difference is that from June through October you get to suffer a good 130 days of 90% humidity. Our monsoon season (don't let this conjure up visions of anything wet although the wind may catch you with your mouth hanging open now & then and the guy behind you might get a slobber shower) blows in a bunch of ominous black clouds from which burst killer bolts of lightning & touches off brush fires all over the state so the air is even blacker. The wind blows like a screaming banshee on Tuesdays and you can usually count on at least six or seven 30 mile wide dust storms to cause a 14 car pile up every five miles along I-10 'cause these morons haven't got the sense God gave a f-cking goat. It's kinda STUPID to keep driving when you can't see six inches in front of your face dontcha think! And we have some of the highest auto insurance rates in the country even though we have the easiest most wide open space to drive in.
Twice a year we do get a couple drops of rain which sizzle on the sidewalk then evaporate. But every now and then we get a good shower (what the uh...meteorologist) calls a -get this, microburst. Where do they come up with this crap? What this means is that it rains like hell for about twenty minutes. It floods all the streets and washes (courtesy once again of our planning commission) the TV people go insane acting as though we've been hit with a tsunami, which causes widespread panic, and another moron in a micro-pickup invariably tries to drive through one of the washes and gets floated off into some quicksand like river bed! Phone lines get soaked so forget calling home to brag about your latest drug trip, without a doubt a different moron runs down a transformer so half the state is without power for two days, and you're stuck wondering how you're going to get to work on time tomorrow while absently mopping sweat from your brow because even though it's raining, it's still 140 degrees outside. Then you have to go shopping because everything in the freezer is now rotten 'cause you have no way to keep it cold.

And this is just the weather.