Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the window, and smash your face into the front fender?.. Ever get the feeling he's looking at you with that "God I'd love to kill your pathetic ass" look?.

Have you ever had a noisy little spat with someone, and the cop cruising by calls over "Hey!!, everything OK over there?".. Did you maybe sense that he really hoped everything was not OK?, that the answer he wanted was, "No, officer, this idiot's bothering me!!".. That that's all he was looking for was an excuse to launch himself from the cruiser and play a drum solo on your fucking skull with his baton?.

Did you ever call the cops to report a crime, maybe someone stole something from your car or broke into your home, the cops arrive and act as if it were your fault?, that they were sorry the crook didn't rip you off for more?, or kick your ass?.. That instead of looking for the culprit, they'd rather bust you in the chops for bothering them with such minor bullshit and being so god damm stupid in the first place?.

If you've picked up on this attitude from your local sworn protectors, the boys in blue, the man in green and tan.. it's not just paranoia, they actually don't like you. In fact cops don't just dislike like you, they hate your fucking guts!, they hate you with every fiber of their being!!.. they'd kill you if given the chance, and not think twice about it either, matter of fact, after murdering you, he'd take Polaroid pictures of the fresh kill to his buddys at the local Dennys and get a hearty laugh at your corpse over a stack of hotcakes.

Incidentally, this phenomena exists for a number of very odd reasons, reasons you civilians of course will not understand.

First of all, civilians are so goddamn stupid!!. They leave shit lying around, just begging thieves to steal it. They park cars in high crime areas and leave portable TVs, cameras, wallets, purses, coats, luggage, grocery bags and briefcases in plain view on the seat.

Oh, sure maybe they'll remember to close all the windows and lock the doors, but do you know how easy it is to bust a car window?. How fast can it be done?, a fucking snot nose ten year old can do it in less than six seconds, a skilled low life scum bag thief asshole can do it in his sleep!!

And a poor cop has another Burglary from motor vehicle report on his hands, another report to waste a half hour on. Meanwhile the asshole who left the family heirlooms on the back seat in the first place is raising hell, "Where were the cops when my car was being looted!!", he's planning to write irate letters to the mayor, the police commissioner, FBI, ACLU, CIA and democratic national party to complain about how lousy the police force is, I mean my god they can't even keep a car from getting ripped off!, what were they doing?, off drinking coffee somewhere???

And the cops are saying to themselves, "Let me tell ya, fuckhead, we were seven blocks away, taking another report from yet another jerk-off civilian about his fucking car being broken into, he left his shit in plain view on the back seat too!!!..dumbshit!!"

These civilians can't figure out that maybe they shouldn't leave stuff lying around unattended where anybody can just pick it up and be-bop on down the road. Maybe they should put the shit in the trunk, where no one but Superman is gonna fuck'n see it, novel idea huh?, no neve rmind.. too complicated for a civilian to figure out.

Another thing that drives cops wild is the "Surely this doesn't apply to me" syndrome, which never fails to reveal itself at scenes of sniper or barricade incidents. There's always some asshole walking down the street ( jogging or driving) who thinks the police cars blocking off the area, the ropes marked police line: Do Not Cross, the cops crouched behind cars pointing semi-autos, carbines, shotguns and bazookas at some building, have nothing whatsoever to do with him. So is usual dumbshit civilian fashion, he weasels around the barricades, or slithers under the restraining ropes and blithely continues on his merry way oblivious to all the action around him, right into the field of fire.

The result: some cop risks his ass (or hers don't forget, the cops include women now) to go after the cretin and drag him, usually under protest, back to safety. All of these cops, including the one who risking his ass, devoutly hope that the sniper will get off one miraculous shot and drill the idiot right between the eyes, which would have two immediate effects. 1.The quiche-for-brains civilian would be dispatched to his just reward and 2, every cop on the scene would instantaneously be licensed to kill the scumbag doing the sniping. Where upon the cops would destroy the whole fucking building, sniper and all, in about 30 seconds, which is what they wanted to do in the first place, except the brass wouldn't let them because the motherfucker had not killed anybody yet.

An another phenomenon is the "My, isn't this amusing" behavior, exhibited at some emergency scenes, usually this is done by Yuppie scum or other members of high society. For example, a group of trendy types will be strolling down the street, a squad car with its lights flashing, siren on, screeches up to a building, the cops yank out their guns, stealth ninja up to the door, flatten themselves against a wall, and peep into the place cautiously.

Now, if you think about it, something serious could be happening here. Cops usually don't pull their semi-autos to get a cup of coffee, unless the price is too high. Any five-year-old ghetto kid (oops.."inner city youth") can tell you these cops are ready to "Busta cap in somebody's ass". But do our society friends perceive this?, do they stay out of the cops way?, NO!!, of course not!, they're civilians!!... they think it's vastly amusing. And, of course, since they're not involved in the funny little game of 1 adam twelve the cops are playing, they think nothing can happen to them.. While the ghetto kid (damm, I mean inner city youth) is hiding behind the engine block of the biggest car on the street waiting for the shooting to start, Muffy, Chip and Biff, with not a care in the fuck'n world, continue their stroll right up to the officers, tittering among themselves about how silly the cops look all scrunched up against the wall, how awful those polyester uniforms are to keep clean, and anything else stupid they can think of... meanwhile your sworn protectors are trying to look in through the door without stopping bullets with their foreheads.

What the cops are hoping at that point, is for some maniacal, homicidal holdup man having a really bad day, to come busting out the door with an AK-47, loaded with a 50 round clip of super high velocity yuppie stopping people killers, and that he immediately identifies our socialites as a serious threat to his personal well being. They're hoping he has just enough ammunition to blast the shit out of the gigglers leaving little more than a mound of bullet hole riddled steaming yuppie flesh,...but not enough to return fire when the cops blow him to smithereens.

That's what we cops call a "PPA", Positive-Population-Adjustment, the Yuppie scum get dispatched to Yuppie hell, and the tax payers are saved the court costs, along with the bother of, housing, feeding and clothing the waste of humanity that WAS the suspect, it's a win win situation all around.

Of course if that actually happens, the poor cops will be in a world of shit for not protecting the innocent bystanders. The brass wouldn't even want to hear that the quiche eating Yuppie fruit loop shitheads didn't have enough sense to come in out of acid rain.

Civilians also aggravate cops in a number of other ways. One of their favorite games is "Officer, can you tell me?"... A cop knows he's been selected to play this game whenever someone approaches and utters those magic words. Now, it's okay if they continue with how to get to so and so street? or where such and such a place is located, after all, cops are supposed to be familiar with the area they work. But it eats the lining of their stomachs when some jerkoff asks, "Where can I catch the number fifty-four bus?", "Where can I find a telephone?", or never fail, while cops are eating at a local eating establishment, some numb skull civilian will toodle over and utter "Officer?..where's the bathroom"... Cops look forward to their last day before retirement, when they can safely give these douche bags the answer they've been choking back for 20 years: "No, maggot, I can't tell you where the fucking fifty-four bus runs!, what the fuck is wrong with you, buy a fucking car you lazy ass.. what does this look like an MTA uniform? Go ask a fucking bus driver!" OR, "No dog breath, I don't know where you can find a phone, do I look like Ma fucking Bell?. Take your head out of your ass and look for one..", finally "Do I look like a waitress to you?, does my badge say DENNYS" on it??, find the fucking bathroom yourself, Jesus cant you see I'm eating? , you think I care you're gonna lose your bowels on the throne?, thanks for ruining my meal..get away from me!!"

And cops just love to find a guy parking next his car in a crosswalk, next to a fire hydrant, on the sidewalk, or at a bus stop posted with a sign that reads: "Don't Even Think About Stopping, Standing, or Parking Here.. Cars Towed Away, Forfeited to the Government, and Sold at Public Auction, Owner is Tortured and Flogged in Public" and what does jerk civilian ask??... "Officer, may I park here a minute?" to which the officer responds, "What are you nuts? Of course ya can park here!, hell park as long as ya like! Leave it there all day! Ya don't see anything that says ya can't do ya?... You're welcome See ya later." Then the cop drives around the corner and calls for a tow truck to remove the vehicle in a manner prescribed by law. Later, in traffic court, the idiot will be whining to the judge "But, Your Honor, I asked an officer if I could park there, and he said I could!, he said park there as long as you want!!.. No, I don't know which officer, but I did ask!, Honest!.. huh?, ... No, wait, Judge, I can't afford five hundred dollars! This isn't fair!, I have my rights!!.., WHAT!!.. I most certainly am not creating a disturbance!!, hey, wait a god damm minute here... Get your frek'n hands off me!, where are you taking me?... What do you mean, ten days for contempt of court?!!, this is a travesty of justice!!! Wait, wait,..... " If you should happen to see a cop humming contentedly and smiling to himself for no apparent reason leaving the court room, you know which cop is was.

Wildly unrealistic civilian expectations also contribute to a cop's distaste for the general citizenry. An officer can be running his ass off all day or night handling call after call after call, writing volumes of police reports, cleaning splattered carcasses off the street with a squeegee, everybody thinks their problem is the only thing he has to work on, THE most important issue on the planet... The police-man may have a few worries of his own??, ever think of that?

The sergeant is on him because he's been late for roll call a few days; he's been battling like a badger with his wife, who's just about to leave him because he never takes her anywhere, doesn't spend enough time at home, the kids need braces, the station wagon needs a major engine overhaul and where are we gonna get the money to pay for all that, we haven't had a real vacation for years, all you do is hang around with other cops, your attitude is horrible, you've been drinking too much lately, I could've married that wonderful guy I was going with when I met in college and lived happily ever after, and why don't you get a regular job with regular days off , no night shifts?? decent pay??.. and a chance for advancement ?? a job where no one is kicking, punching, spitting, biting or bleeding AIDS infected blood on you. (It all sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown "Waa, waa, waa, waa, beer, waa waa.." anyway).

Meanwhile, that sweet young 18 year old thing he met on a call last month says her period is late and she's gonna tell her daddy, Internal Affairs is investigating him on fucking up a disorderly conduct call last week; the captain is pissed at him for tagging a councilman's car; a burglar's tearing up the businesses on his beat; his face on the 5o'clock news and he's already handled two robberies, three family fights, a stolen car, a rape, two child molests and half a dozen juvenile complaints today. Now here he is, on another juvenile call, trying to explain to some bimbo, who's the president of her neighborhood improvement association, that the security of western civilization is not really threatened all that much by the kids who hang on the corner by her house. "Yes, officer, I know they're not there now, they always leave when you come by...but after you're gone, they come right back and continue their disturbance, don't you see??!.. It's intolerable I tell you!, I'm so upset, I can barely sleep at night", she continues vehemently.., "What we need here, officer, is greater attention to this matter by the police, you and some other officers should hide and stake out that corner so those renegades wouldn't see you, then you could catch them in the act!". By now, the cops eyes have glazed over and he's thinking of how many baton blows it would take to launch this old farts head off her shoulders and into the toilet hole in one style police, in a polite serious tone he says "Yes, ma'am, we'd love to stake out that corner a few hours every night, especially since we don't have anything else to do, but I've got a better idea.... here's a box of fragmentation grenades the Department obtained from the Army just for situations like this... The next time you see those little motherfuckers out there, just lob a couple of these into the crowd and duck!, problem solved ma'am"

Then there's the unfortunate cop who responds to the first of many "See the citizen" calls, it the artsy-crafty types who left the all white suburbs disgusted with the attitudes of their white friends toward minorities, in order to make a statement to society, they humm cum-by-ya, pack up and relocate to a tough, rundown, shithole of a neighborhood. Upon arrival, they notice the air smells a bit different, seeing the dilapidated condition of their new surroundings, they decide it's gotta be cleaned up..now..they call a cop. Most of these Urban Pioneers are intelligent(?), talented, hard-working, well-paid folks with masochistic chromosomes interspersed among their otherwise normal genes. They have nice jobs, live in nice homes, and they some how decided that it would be a marvelous idea to move into a slum and get yoked, roped, looted, and pillaged on a regular basis, the cops see a lot of them now. What else do you expect? Peace and harmony? It's like tossing a juicy little pig into a piranha tank. Moving day: Here come the pioneers, dropping all their groovy yuppie gear from their Volvo Turbo station wagon, setting it all on the sidewalk so the locals can get a good look and the food processor, the microwave, the stereo system, the color TV and the tape deck. At the same time, the local burglars are salivating, their appraising the goods unofficially and calculating how much they can get for the TV down at the corner bar, how much the stereo will bring at Joe's garage, who might want the tape deck at the barber shop, and maybe mama can use the microwave herself.

When the pioneers get ripped off, the cops figure they asked for it, and they got it. You want to poke your arm through the bars of a tiger cage, Fuck you!.. Don't be amazed when he eats it for lunch!. The cops regard it as naive for trendies to move into crime zones and conduct their lives the same way they did up on Society Hill. In fact, they can't fathom why anyone who didn't have to would move there at all, regardless of how they want to live or how prepared they might be to adapt their behavior. That's probably because the cops are intimately acquainted with all those petty, but disturbing, crimes and nasty little incidents that never make the newspapers but profoundly affect the quality of life in a particular area.

Something else that causes premature aging among cops is the "I don't know who to call, so I'll call the police" ploy. Why, the cops ask themselves, do they get so many calls for things like water leaks, sick cases, bats in houses, things that have nothing whatsoever to do with law enforcement or the maintenance of public order? They figure it's because civilians are stupid, and getting more and more accustomed to having the government solve problems for them, the local PD is the only governmental agency that'll even answer the phone at 3:00 AM, let alone send anybody.

So, when the call comes over the radio to go to such-and-such address for a water leak, the assigned officer rolls his eyes, curses the dispatcher under his breath "Grrr fat fucking bitch", acknowledges the call and responds. He surveys the problem, and tells the complainant, "Yep, that's a water leak allright! No doubt about it.. Ya probably ought to call a plumber, see ya", or, "Yep, your Aunt Minnie's sick all right, good bye", or, "Yep, that's a bat all right! maybe ya ought to open the windows so it can fly outside".

In the meantime our hero is wasting his time on this bullshit call, maybe someone is having a real problem out there, like getting raped, robbed or killed. Street cops would like to work the phones just once and catch a few of these idiotic complaints: "A bat in your house?, no need to send an officer when I can tell ya what to do right here over the phone, pal!...first, close all your doors and windows right away, yes..ok, now pour gasoline all over your furniture, that's it, now set it on fire and get everybody outside!. Yeah, you'll BBQ the little motherfucker for sure!, hey that's okay, call us anytime...glad we could help".

Probably the most serious beef cops have with civilians relates to those situations in which the use of deadly force becomes necessary to deal with some desperado who might have just robbed a bank, iced somebody, beat up his wife and kids, or wounded some cop, and now he's caught but won't give up. He's not going to be taken alive, he's going to take some cops with him, and you better say your prayers, you pig bastards! Naturally, if the chump's armed with any kind of weapon, the cops are going to shoot the shit out of him so bad they'll be able to open up his body later as a lead mine. If he's not armed, and the cops aren't creative enough to find a weapon for him, they'll beat him into raw meat and hope he spends the next few weeks in traction. They view it as a learning experience for the asshole. You fuck somebody, you find out how it feels like to get fucked up. Don't like it?, don't do it again!.

It's called Street Justice, and civilians approve of it as much as cops do, but it's not politically correct to admit it. Remember how the audience cheered when Charles Bronson fucked up the badguys in Death Wish?, how they scream with joy every time Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry makes his day by blowing up some rotten scumbag with his .44 magnum?... What they applaud is the administration of street justice, the old "eye for an eye" concept, one of mankind's most primal instincts. All of us have it, especially cops, It severely offends and deeply hurts cops when they administer a dose of good old fashioned street justice only to have some bleeding heart, liberal, card carrying A.C.L.U whining do gooder happen upon the scene at the last minute, just as the hairbag is at last getting his just deserts, and start hollering about police brutality. Cops regard very serious business indeed. Brutality can get them fired. Get fired from one police department and it's tough to get a job as a cop anywhere else ever again except at "Bung-Hole" Security guard company with every wanna-be dumbshit psychopath that ever failed a police psychology test.

Brutality exposes the cop to civil liability as well. Also, his superior officers, the police department as an agency, and maybe even the local government itself. You've seen those segments on 60 minutes, right?, some cops screw up, gets sued along with everybody else in the department who had anything to do with him, and the city or county ends up paying the plaintiff umpty-ump million dollars, raising taxes and hocking it's fire engines in the process. What do you think happens to the cop who fucked up in the first place?, put a fork in the poor fucker cause he's done. On many occasions when the cops are accused of excessive force, the apparent brutality is a misconception by some untrained, dumbshit civilian observer who isn't acquainted with the harsh realities of police work, or life on the street for that matter.

For example, do you know how hard it is to handcuff some asshole who really doesn't want to be handcuffed?...without hurting them? It's almost impossible for one cop to accomplish by himself unless he kills, or beats the living shit out of a prisoner first, which would also be viewed as brutality. It frequently takes three or four cops to handcuff one son of a bitch who's determined to battle them. In situations like that, it's not unusual for the cops to hear some jerk-off in the crowd of onlookers comment on how they're ganging up on the poor bastard and beating him unnecessarily. This makes them feel like telling the complainer, "Hey, motherfucker, you think you can handcuff this shithead by yourself without killing him first? C'mere!.. get your ass over here you're deputized!, now go ahead and do it!"...the cops would love to stand back and let the violent scumbag pummel the onlooker into a bloody pulp, pummel until there's little more than a greasy stain on the sidewalk resembling the loud mouth asswipe.

Most of this comes down to common sense, a characteristic the cops feel most civilians lack. One of the elements of common sense is thinking before opening one's pie hole or taking other action. Just a brief moment of thought will often prevent the utterance of something completely stupid, or the commission of some idiotic act that will, among other things, generate nothing but contempt from the average street cop. THINK and it might mean getting a warning instead of a traffic ticket, getting sent on your way rather than be arrested, or continuing on to your original destination instead of to the hospital tied in a knot with a cops size 12 highly polished combat boot firmly lodged in your sphincter.

You might mean getting real assistance instead of the run-around. The very least it'll get you is a measure of respect cops seldom show civilians. Act like you've got a little sense, and even if the cops don't love you, they at least won't hate you (as much).

PS if you're looking for a disclaimer that indicates that this is for humor purposes only, or that none of this is true, you wont find it here. This is a brief summary of what every street cop with about 3 years of dealing with the public thinks, but cant say. There are several versions of this floating around todays cop culture.. enjoy!.