I've gotten some email lately from some people who for whatever reason can't see that they're standing in a giant bucket of dog shit, and just refuse to take off their rose-colored glasses. They tell me things like "What's your problem? This is just a wonderful place to live!" or "Whoa dude! Your like... really bumming out my karma, man! Take a 'mellow' and like... chill out!" (Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean...) or "Your an asshole!! Fuck you!! Fuck you!! Fuck off and DIE!! Get the hell OUT!! (Eh... well, whatever I guess... ).
But every so often I get a note from someone who seems to have at least half a brain, and they say something like "Well your right about a lot of the things you say... but there are many good things about Los Angeles/ California , (but for the life of me, I can't think of any) so why don't you point out some of the good features?" Well now, if I did that... that would hardly fit in the main theme that "Los Angeles and California SUCK!!!", ... now would it? Besides, I really can't think of anything that's good about this garbage dump anyway.
But I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do... I know that there are some of you out there that have to come here for business, or the spouse is torturing you because you've been promising to visit grandma' for 2 years now, or the kids have been jumping up and down on your head screaming at you to take them to Disneyland... or hell, a zillion other reasons. (by the way... the Disneyland in Florida is a lot nicer... ) So instead of telling you what's great about this maggot-filled, pus-oozing, open sore of a city (because there isn't anything), I'm going to tell you what to do, and not to do, to get out alive. Maybe.
OK.... so, for whatever reason you feel that you just absolutely, positively, HAVE to come to this rancid shithole of a state/city here are some "tips" so that you may return to your home hopefully unharmed.

The MAIN THING about being in L.A. is to be CONSTANTLY aware of your surroundings!! Never... and I repeat, NEVER ... let your guard down. The minute you do this, you could be asking for big trouble ... especially if your in a shitty part of town.

It is legal in the state of California to carry pepper-spray. You can pick up a pepper-spray dispenser at almost any drug store, grocery store, liquor store, etc., that is about the size of a "Bic" lighter... for about $5.00. Get one.

When eating in a restaurant... always... sit so you are facing, or at least can see, the front door and hopefully any other exits. The reason I say this is because if your eating dinner and see some gang-types wearing overcoats (a good way to hide a gun) and maybe wearing knit caps (ski-masks when pulled down), coming towards or in the front door, you'll have a better chance of getting the hell out of there, before they have a chance to blow your head off so they can take the $20.00 in your pocket.

If you have to go to an ATM at night, (daytime is usually OK... most banks have guards posted during the day... whatever that's worth..) drive around the bank once, and LOOK for anything funny.... and take somebody with you!! (Your 8 year-old kid doesn't count) DON'T LINGER!

When driving, LOCK THE DOORS and keep the WINDOWS ROLLED UP!! If you do get 'car-jacked', GIVE THEM THE DAMN CAR.

If your going to be staying in a hotel room for any length of time, there are devices that either fit under the door (like a door-stop) or around the door-knob that are burglar alarms. They may cost you a few bucks, but I would imagine your life is worth it...

Guys.... keep your wallet in your front pocket. Ladies... Keep your purse strap wrapped around your wrist like a dog-leash. Don't EVER, EVER, leave your wallet/purse unattended for a moment! EVER! And for chrissakes' DON'T FLASH A WAD OF CASH AROUND!
In fact your best off NOT carrying a wad of cash around. Use 'Travelers Checks' or Credit Cards.

If you are coming into LAX... and don't know the L.A. area... DO NOT rent a car at the airport! I know this may seem real inconvenient, but if you rent a car from the airport, and try to find your way to wherever your going and get lost... you may end up in some very deep shit. The streets in L.A. can be very confusing if your not familiar with them. In fact I could swear that in alot of areas some engineer took a big handful of cooked spaghetti, tossed it on a table, and said "OK... that's how we're going to lay the streets out!"
There are a few very bad parts of town right next to the airport, and if you get lost and are seen driving a 'rent-a-car' you WILL be an open target to what ever scum-bags are around just waiting for someone like you. You are much better off taking a taxi to wherever you need to go, and then getting a 'rent-a-car' from there. Most 'rent-a-car' places will deliver a car to wherever you are staying (especially hotels). Of course if you can get someone to come and get you... that would be best of all.

Also, the airport is just full of crooks. NEVER leave your luggage unattended, even for a second! NEVER leave a laptop unattended for a even a second! You will probably be hit up on by 1/2 dozen people either begging for money, or collecting for some kind of "charitable" cause. IGNORE them and keep walking.

Don't EVER , EVER leave your keys in your car, even for 'just a minute'!

Try to avoid traveling on any freeway between about 6 AM to 9 AM and again from about 4 PM to 7 PM. These are the worst hours to be on almost any L.A. freeway... although any other time isn't that much better...

Should you by chance need emergency help and call 911, don't expect an immediate response. The police, fire, and paramedics in L.A. are WAY overtaxed, and in some cases you may NEVER get any help at all.