"I've got a rifle, a shotgun and a 4-wheel drive ... A country boy can survive"
(David Allen Coe)

Well, April is upon us and spring is in the air. The snow on the ground has all but disappeared and it's warming up to some nice temperatures. The air is cool, crisp, and always clear. Life begins anew…
I guess I can safely say I have survived my first REAL winter. Not a wussy winter, like in Los Angeles where if it rains for more than a day and the temperature drops below 60 degrees, people wring their hands and are SURE it's the end of the world. What a bunch of freekin' sissies.

So, I made it through. Not that it was all fun and games, mind you. It's a lot of hard work getting ready for winter up here. You have to cut, split and stack wood for the furnace. It's a lot of back-breaking work, I'll tell you that. I've learned there is a right way and a wrong way to split wood... And no I don't do it the sissy way... I use a maul and a sledgehammer. You have a lot of work to do to make sure stuff doesn't freeze up and break. You have to clean up, prepare and store things away for the winter. You quickly learn that Adidas just don't cut it in the snow... You'd better have some heavy-duty boots with soles on them like Goodyear Wranglers... And even then you're still going slip and fall on your ass. You have to keep the coyotes at bay so they don't try to kill and eat your dogs. (Don't laugh .... A pack of hungry coyotes can take down a 200 pound buck...) If you have to work on your car or truck, you have to learn how to work on things in 15 minute intervals, because when it's 4 degrees out, your hands freeze up pretty quick. You end up buying all kinds of clothes you never had to buy before …. A lot of wool stuff. You have to make sure the fire in the furnace is going all the time and sometimes have to set your alarm to 2 AM, so you can get up and stoke the fire and add more wood.You get used to the fact that it gets pitch black outside at 4:30 in the afternoon. You have to learn to accept the fact that it's just going to take longer to do things. And you spend a lot of time either running a snow plow or shoveling by hand. Icy roads and dodging deer can make just getting to the grocery store a major contest between you and Mother Nature. You also learn the when you go to the grocery store you buy a LOT of stuff so you don't have to make as many trips.

But, after all is said and done, I wouldn't have it any other way. All the work is really getting me into the best shape I've been in, in the last 15 years. I've dropped 25 pounds and feel great. I've also learned how to get each and every one of my vehicles (Rigs, up here) OUT of being stuck in the snow OR a ditch. What fun! I've learned that just because you have a 4x4 backed up by a V-8 and big gigantic studded snow tires, is no guarantee that you aren't gonna get stuck. You do... And you also (No matter how careful you are) will find yourself sideways on the road a couple of times. But …. I've pretty much learned how to drive in this …. this …. stuff. It's hard to remember to get your foot off the brake when you hit ice. I mean you want to stop and your first instinct is to bury your foot in the brake pedal as far as it will go. But you learn, one way or the other. And …. I'm one HELLAVA' snow plow driver now!

When YOU go to work L.A., THIS is what you see .... ************** When I got to work, THIS is what I see ....

There is a big difference between Here (The Great Northwest) and There (Los "Hells' Kitchen, Armpit of the whole stinkin' universe" Angeles).

For instance:

Up here, any and everything you drive is called your "rig". Doesn't matter if it's a little Geo Metro or an 18 wheel Kenworth....

Up here, any kind of soft drink is called "pop". You never say "I'm gonna go get a Pepsi" …. You say "I'm gonna go get a pop"....

Up here, everyone is absolutely crazy about Chinese food. As evident by the fact that there is a Chinese restaurant on almost every single corner.... Next to the expresso shack....

Up here, people buy 4 wheel drives because they NEED them and USE them. NOT like down There, where nobody's 4x4 EVER sees the dirt....

Up here there are no real authentic Mexican restaurants.... Which also means there are no real authentic Mexicans. Up here, everyone thinks 'Taco Time' is real Mexican food....

Up here you don't have to pay for your gas first....

Up here, when shopping for a "rig", the person who is selling just tosses you the keys so you can take a test drive.... While they wait in the living room or sales office.

Up here, REAL (And I mean "REAL") cowboys wear Wranglers. Levis are laughed at.

Up here, there are NO cockroaches.

Up here, when you go into a bar ... you could smoke and nobody wags their finger in your face ... Or asks them to go outside ... Or threatens to call the "smoking police" on them...

Up here, NOBODY even KNOWS what the fuck Kwanzaa is.... NOBODY "celebrates" Martin Luther King day ... And NOBODY "celebrates" Cinco De Mayo ... or for that matter even KNOW what a Latino Heritage Week or Month or whatever the hell it is.... Is. And nobody KNOWS who the fuck Ceaser Chavez (Grape Picker ESQ.) is ..
BUT..... Things like 4th of July and Christmas are BIG. .

Up here, there are NO "Gay Pride" celebrations or parades.

Up here, the schools actually put on a Christmas show.... Along with Christmas decorations ... And everyone just loves it. There is NO SINGLE parent screaming about how the Christmas lights are going to make their little Hymie or Mohammed or Yung-Pang-Pow feel "Out of place" and ruining it for eveyone...

In fact .... In the public school my kids go to .... God and Jesus are brought up .... And there is NO screaming protests .... NO picketing the school .... NO ACLU (Asshole Communist Leftists Union) filing lawsuit after lawsuit .....

Up here you can wear army fatigues and nobody thinks your some nut-case ready to explode.

Up here, you can go into a harware store to buy a can of spray paint, by just taking it off the shelf and up to the cash register. None of this finding the manager to unlock the steel cage that the paint is kept behind, like L.A.

Up here, nobody eats their fries or onion rings with ketchup. Everyone eats them with tartar sauce. Pretty good actually!

Up here, you dont watch for the neighbors dogs or cats in the street ... You watch out for deer and tractors.

Up here when you go to a convenience store or fast food place, the person behind the counter actually speaks English! How about that!!

Up here, the kids in high school who are old enough to drive .... when (insert name of animal) season is open ... Actually keep a 30-06 or a shotgun in the gunracks in their trucks, while parked at school, to go hunting before or after school. And nobody freaks out.

Up here, when you go into town ... to the grocery store or whatever .... you don't even need to worry about locking your car. Let alone having a 'state of the art' alarm.

Up here, you can buy ammo almost anywhere .... Hardware store .... Convenience store ...... Gas station .....

Up here, NOBODY has those STUPID little 'Calvin pissing on *something*' stickers on their back car windows.

Up here, if you see any kind of 'flag' decal on someones car .... It AIN'T some flag from some Shithole Country in Central America or Europe .... It's a decal of an AMERICAN FLAG.

Up here, there is NO state income tax (Hahahaha!!!)

Up here (And I still can't figure this one out) the 'glove box' in your rig isn't called a 'glove box' or a 'map box' .... It's called a 'jockey box'. Go figure.

Up here we wear Stetsons, not some fucking backwards ball cap that fucking says "La Raza!" on it.

Up here most everyone can put a 30-06 round up a fly's ass at 300 yards.

Of course, not ALL is "rosey" ....

There are no 'In n' Out' burgers up here. There are no 'Tommy' burgers up here. In fact, nobody even KNOWS what a Chileburger is ..... sad.

There are a lot more trucks up here, piolted by drooling morons. I've already had one windshield and two headlights that were cracked by rocks kicked up by fucking logging trucks.

As much as I'd never thought I'd say it, people up here are HORRIBLE drivers! HORRIBLE!! I'm amazed that anyone even KNOWS what a turn-signal is .... and even if they do, nobody has any qualms about turning in front of you at the last fucking second to the point where you have to lock your brakes up. (Even after they sat there for a full minute and WATCHED you come down the road...)
And the MOST antagonizing thing is NOBODY goes the speed limit. It's either 20 MPH slower, OR 20 MPH faster.

And on the subject of driving, at least in California, you knew who the ENEMY was. Almost ....All police cars there are black and white. Up here, you have to learn a rainbow of colors for all the different cops. City, County, State, etc. etc. .... all look different. AND .... They drive whatever they want. It's not a simple matter of looking out for a black and white Crown Victoria or Chevy Caprice. Up here, a mini-van to a Toyota pickup, to a Dodge Powerwagon COULD be a cop.
And by the way... you'd BETTER have a 'state of the art' radar detector if you live up here....

There are quite a few drooling moron hicks here. At least in MY neck of the woods anyway.
These are what I call The Narrow-eyed People. You know the type.
Those small little beady eyes set SO close together, you just KNOW that person is a drooling moron before they even open their mouths. The kind of person that you just KNOW that their mother is also their sister. I know that L.A. has that type also (Boy! Do I know it!) but there seems to be an overabundance of them here. Very strange charecters with strange beliefs also.
There is one person here who kind of is my own little personal "poster boy" of all that is strange, weird and stupid up here. He is a local yokel that is a REAL peice of work. The guy lives in some God-forsaken rat shack with his wife and infested kids. The Okies traveling from the midwest to California during the depression had better Hoover-villes than this clown. No running water and no toilet. Well .... There is the tree outside and the bucket inside the shack. This guy has NO job ... but it's OK for his pregnant wife to work 40 hours a week. Well .... maybe I shouldn't say he doesn't have a job... Even though he has bashed the timber industry for years .... how evil they are ... He does "work" for them on occasion marking logging roads. Total hypocrite. He said that if he didn't do it, someone else would. Hmmmm .... kind of like being Rosie O'Donald and going to work for Smith and Wesson. He is of the belief that nobody should have more than anyone else. That if you "have" and he doesn't, you should give up some of yours. I guess going out and WORKING for things is out of the question.
But his kids don't go to school .... they might get brainwashed by the Evil Government. They never had any of their childhood vaccinations. The Evil Government might inject them with some mind-controling substance. To him, TV is "mind control" ..... computers are "mind control" ..... hell, EVERYTHING to this guy is MIND CONTROL. And he's not the only one .... there are plenty like him up here, they just come in different packages. And of course he believes that man never landed on the moon, but space aliens hover over his shack and communicate with him.
A couple of years back, I made him a custom foil covered hardhat .... So the Government couldn't read his mind. Now I thought this was funnier than hell. The guys at work thought it was funnier than hell. My wife and in-laws thought it was funnier than hell .... Until the time came when I could give it to them. Then my wife and in-laws didn't think it was so funny and I was told "You'd better not do that"... Another great gag shot down in flames. Oh well .... comes with the territory I guess....

Well, that's it for now .... Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter in "Tales of the Great Northwest"

Once again ....

There .... .................... Here ....

A no-brainer, huh?

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